Tuesday, October 17, 2006

A friend sent me these. Enjoy.

(click on this image to get the full effect...)

And in case you need to insult somebody:

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill (about Clement Attlee)

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries
with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a
reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it."
-- Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any
man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I
approved of it."
-- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new Play,
bring a friend... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there
is one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
-- Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
-- Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the
sum of human knowledge."
-- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears,
but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address
on it?"
-- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever
they go."
-- Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for
support rather than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
-- Billy Wilder


In Memoriam

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common
Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were
long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as
knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the
worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend
more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not
children, arein charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but
overbearing regulations were set into place. Reports of a
six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a
classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after
lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only
worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing
the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental
consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a Band Aid to a student
but could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant
and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments
became contraband, churches became businesses, and criminals
received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself
from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to
realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her
lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and
Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,

He is survived by three stepbrothers: I Know My Rights; Someone
Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral
because so few realized he was gone.

If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and
do nothing.


Anonymous said...

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for
support rather than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

...Is my favorite. It needs to be repeated loudly and often.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Man, I loved those quotes. Hilarious.

barista grazioso said...

Excellent post! I adore Mae West, but the one that captured my attention was, "He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr. Love it!

Common Sense. Worth more than its weight in gold, and is more rare than benitoite.

Mushy said...

That kid reminds me of the "UGA" joke from years back - "That dog'a bite yooou!"

If you don't know what I'm talking about, go to


and listen!

Fathairybastard said...

They only let me listen to the first 40 seconds, but I think I know the story.

James Burnett said...

Love the Twain quote about sending the approval letter. That has always been a favorite.

Goddess said...

Damn. I thought the offspring drinking out of the dog's dish was bad!