Naked Airlines? You're all so naive.

These pathological killers who've decided to ruin
everyone else's lives 'cause God set them down in the
asshole of the world, have shown us again that they
will never stop thinking of new and ingenious ways
to get at us. Turning someone's sports drink into a
hand grenade for example. Genius. You gotta give em
props on that one (let's assume the charges are true).

As a result, now we can't take tooth paste,
deodorant, soda, or even bottled water on our
flight to visit granny. The security is now so tight
that granny can't even take water on the plane,
as if she's likely to have just completed terrorist
training in the remote tribal areas of Bentprickistan,
or wherever. No more hand lotion, which means
there's no more beating off in the toidy at
30,000 ft. and depositing yer spooge over Nebraska or
somewhere, and then telling people yer in the mile
high club.

So some of you have latched on to the seemingly
obvious notion that we'd solve this issue if only
people flew in the buff. No bombs possible on
Naked Airlines, right?. It's all over the web. Of
course, we'd all be shoving one another aside to
get to sit next to THIS sweaty person...



And no, that's not me ether.

But you all miss the obvious flaw in this logic. Let
me lay out a scenario for ya.

How long do you think it would take for some
inbred, devious desert dwelling bastard to
decide to have one of his extra wives shaved, get
her to shed her smelly burqa and have liquid
explosive breast implants installed. That's right.
You heard it here first.

They could get it done in some secret Al Qaida
lab in Pakistan, or maybe France. They'd take
the time to convince the poor bitch that she's going
to really love the scenery in heaven while her
husband gets to diddle the guaranteed 70 some odd
virgins. Meanwhile she's thinking "anything to get
out of this miserable medieval bullshit I've been born
into."

You'd board the plane, trying to lock eyes and see nothing
else of Jabba the Hutt in the previous picture, and
there they'd be. You'd think to yourself, "If that
rag headed bastard makes a move it's on. He's
fuckin' history." But then your guard would drop
as you saw her huge ripe, curiously perky melons
hove into view, and you'd swear she gave you the look.

You begin to feel a bit awkward as your little friend
swells with pride due to the unconscious and
immediate image that pops into your head of
bending her over the seat and taking her right then
and there. I mean, you're a guy, so you can't help
but think that for at least a few fleeting seconds.
You snap out of it, you sit down and hide Johnny
with the silly little pillow from the overhead bin, and
you tell yourself that it surely won't happen again.
It won't happen to you. What are the odds?

Next thing you know, you're settling in to the flight.
You've seen the movie, and you've never been able to
sleep on a plane, so you spend your time casually
glancing around the cabin, checking out the nakedness
that's all around you. Naked people are shivering under
those skimpy fleece blankets they give you. Then you notice
rhythmic movement over in the direction of those suspicious
looking swarthy people who're sitting conveniently by the
emergency exit. You ask yourself why you didn't notice
that before.

Thing is, she's built like a brick shit house, and you
can't help but check her out. You're tryin' not to
get caught ogling her gargantuan torpedoes of love.
Then you'd see Akhmed beginning to aggressively
feel her up. You think to yourself, here's another nudist
whose gone off the chain, but he's really feeling for the
trigger devise.

Like cracking and shaking a chem light, he'd have
to work those dinners pretty hard to set them
off, and then suddenly there'd be a brilliant flash.

The pictures on CNN would show naked, bloated
bodies floating in the ocean, and the shocking facts
would slowly emerge as the parts and pieces were
reconstructed in some hanger somewhere.

In time the Department of Homeland Security would
announce a new, more stringent set of restricted
items, as well as ex-ray and surgical examinations required
prior to boarding any domestic or foreign flight.

So, we're back to square one. We're back to the
old standby option of dropping the big one. Are we
really ready to see each and every aspect of our
lives ruined systematically, just to avoid the
universal historic condemnation that would result from
a surgical, yet genocidal strike with a few old cold
war era nukes? I dunno. It's a quandary.

I can see a dozen or so cruise missiles armed with old
neutron bombs flying low over Teheran, or whatever.
It's kind of a sublime thought. Of course, that isn't ever gonna
happen, unless they do it first. And I don't think they will.
They're too smart for that. They don't need to. They've got
these suicidal whackos to do their dirty work for them.

I think it's obviously gonna be a long, bloody, complicated struggle.
Mostly a police/intel/spec ops fight, and it's gonna make the
cold war look like a 50 year tennis match. One thing I do know is
that, even this far into it, many of us still have a lot of
illusions about how it's gonna go down and what we can
do about it. We can't drop the big one. It's not gonna happen.
And it would be stupid, even tragic to allow our fear to drive
us into a frenzy of restrictions on the freedom we cherish.

I'm not one to cry "the sky is falling" when I find out that
the NSA is maybe listening to a few phone calls. But I'm
not completely happy with all the aspects of the Patriot
Act ether. And the politics of the whole thing, the inability of
each side to forget about their partisan interests and do what's
best for all of us nauseates the shit out of me.

I know enough about our system and it's history to know
that when we grant the government the authority to do
a thing, feeling the need in a specific context, it usually
decides later to go ahead and continue to do that thing in
other contexts as well. It all looks suspiciously like the thin
end of the wedge. I think, more than anything else, we need
to wake the fuck up, or grow the fuck up and realize that
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SAFETY!

It's all a sad, silly illusion, fed to us by talking heads on the
boob tube, or political leaders who can't let the opportunity go
by to pass a new law designed to assuage our short term
fears. They all live in terror of the idea that some widow will
confront them in front of a TV camera and ask them why they
didn't do enough to save her loved one. I sympathize with
many of them on that one. Most of them have done there best
to do their job, and nobody should have to deal with a distraught
survivor who's going through unbelievable tragedy and is just
looking for someone to blame, but that doesn't mean they should
then pass a lot of new restrictive laws just to try to keep it from
happening again.

Personally, I'm gonna go back to cradling one of my kalashnikovs
in my lap while I drink a beer and watch the South Park movie on
Comedy Central. I mean, If all this shit is gonna come to an end in
my lifetime, I'm gonna be sure and enjoy it while it lasts.

That show kills me.