Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Funny thing happened late the other night...

Or early the other morning, whichever.

First off, my bedroom is at the back of my house, away from the street. Nice and quiet. There are two gates going in and out of the back yard, and one of them is right next to the bedroom. There's a cat barrier up on the gate there that scrapes along the brick wall whenever someone opens the gate. It's there to keep my cats in the yard, but it mostly makes it hard for people to open that gate.

So, Denise is sleeping soundly and I'm rollin' around tryin' to get to sleep when I hear this noise. I think I recognise the sound of someone tryin' to get that gate open, and scrapin' that metal cat barrier along the brick wall. I get out of bed and look out the window, expecting to see some bastard walking through my back yard towards the back door, which opens into the bedroom.

It's dark, about 2AM. There's a pistol, loaded and ready to go, up in a shelf right next to me. I'm standing there in the dark, nekkid as a J-bird, sayin' to myself "Holy shit, I'm gonna have to shoot some mother fucker!"

Then I heard that noise again, and then again, and I started to realize that it was really Denise, quietly snoring, and not a perp bent on theft, destined to die in a blaze of glory. I was totally bummed out.

In a split second I went from thinking "Damn, I'm gonna have to shoot some bastard', to "Damn, I'm not gonna get to shoot anybody". It depressed the hell out of me for a while. I went back to bed and was laughin' to myself about the whole thing. Denise woke up at one point and I told her about it all and we both had a good laugh. I asked her "Baby, can I go out and shoot my gun? I NEEEDS to!", and she laughed and said "NO! You'll give the neighbors a heart attack and get arrested."

I reeeeeally wanted to shoot someone. Does that make me a bad person? Rhetorical question. I've been robbed before, so any mother fucker that comes in my yard in the middle of the night better be ready to fuckin' die. Maybe get scalped too. It'll be funny, tryin' to explain that to the cops.

7 comments:

CharlieDelta said...

No, wanting to shoot someone breaking into your house absolutely does not make you a bad person. It makes you a badass American.

I've had a similar experience, but it was my ex girlfriend trying to get in my front door with her key in the middle of the night. I had the shotgun chambered and ready to go when that front door opened. I was still half asleep and really didn't have the state of mind to stop and think, "how would a burgular get a key to my front door?" When she walked in and saw me there with my shotgun, she just about had to go change her drawers. I flew off the handle and told her to never do that shit again without calling me first. In hindsight, I should've just shot the bitch!

pat houseworth said...

Had those same thoughts....but then again, when I was working the towers at Tan Son Nhut, I always hoped I would get a crack at some VC Slug trying to work his way through the fence line.

I think we all have a little pirate in us.

Suldog said...

Nothing wrong with you AT ALL. Protecting yourself and your loved ones? No problem. After you scalp the sonovabitch, sledgehammer him in the nuts for me.

TexasFred said...

You can always round up some illegal and shot them... Just bring em over and get em INSIDE your house 1st...

Mushy said...

Once, after we were burglarized years ago, I heard something outside, so I got my pistol and went quietly outside, and sneaked around the house in the dark. After suffering the break-in just a year before, I was itching to get even!

I did not find anything or anyone and I remember being very disappointed. Of course, I know now that had I shot someone outside I'd probably have to pay the price.

Now I just sit inside and fantasize about someone coming through the door or window and surprised look on their face just as I cock my weapon and say "Make'ya famous!"

BRUNO said...

Sounds normal to me---but then, that goes without saying!

Ironic, isn't it? I mean, of all the things a fella COULD worry about, and I'm the same way: "Damn! Wish I at least would have a pair of underwear on, so's the moths won't hang around my pecker in the yard light, when the cops get here...!"

~Fathairybastard~ said...

Thanks for all the comments folks. Yea, I was robbed in December of '05, and it's still a raw sore. I'd LOVE to get back at someone.

Thing is, here in Texas we used to joke (as Texasfred alluded) that you could shoot someone outside the house but you'd have to drag them inside before the cops arrived. Not any more. The laws have been changed by the legislature so that I can shoot someone in my back yard, in my garage, whatever.